Why Michigan is so glad to have me back

Michigan loves a Hayley Gaines. And it's a good thing I am one such Hayley. It's nice to be back. I have friends again and I'm not drinking by myself anymore! I never appreciated Michigan for what it offered.

A recent exchange of emails regarding the best of our Great Country:
Tim McCarty: Okay, fuck all of y'all. Forget anything I, Christine, or anyone has ever said about Boston before. It is the greatest city in the whole damned world. How is that, you ask? Check this shit out:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4930465
Yes, you read correctly. Every game at Fenway park, in the midst of the 8th inning, the crowd stands to sing along to "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond.
EVERY FUCKING GAME!!!!
Fuck it. I love this incredibly stupid city.
This is amazing.

Josh Landon: Tim, I love the preface of this email, which implies that you have done anything but sing, quite effusively, Boston's praises in almost every email you have sent. Still, I am sure that Boston is indeed spectacular. It's not New York, but...

Christine McCarty: No argument here. New York has it.

Tim: Fuck New York.
Beantown! Ya'll can suck it.
Especially Christine. Traitor.

Kris Phillips: Boston?
New York?
FUCK ALL Y'ALL! MIDWEST REPRESENT!!!!

Pete Mortensen: First of all, I thought everybody knew about the Sweet Caroline thing.
Second of all, I went to a giant, free music festival in Golden Gate Park yesterday, where Gillian Welch and David Rawlings covered "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" on mandolin and acoustic guitar. And then I went to Frjtz and got Belgian Fries with Wasabi Mayo and yogurt peanut sauce, plus a rosemary-chicken crepe with goat cheese, roasted red pepper, pesto mayo and red onion. Plus a party at Andy Nicholson's where I was introduced as a first-year grad student at CCA in the magazine writing program.
And we don't have to pay to heat our homes here.
Game, San and Francisco.

Kris: okay pete.
I went to a party where one of the finest football rivalries took place and the game went into overtime and much ado was to be had (Sam, where is your precious MSU football now?). also i am a cook at an italian restaurant which is featuring pesto month, and i create pine-nut ricotta cheese-pesto stuffed chicken breast served with sauted garlic-tarragon vegetables and home-made (every day) spinach fettuccine with your choice of eight (8) homemade sauces, that i make everyday also. Oh, and i have the Bells brewery across the street from me.
oh yeah, also i am a grad student taking classes from Quentin Smith, who if you do not know invented A/B Time theory, and is the entire reason that my school is rated on the philosopher's gourmet.
i repeat...
midwest represent muthaphuka.

Jason Bales: I have two words for you west coast/east coast bitches...
BOB SEGER.
Midwest, bitches!

Kris: Jason,
i see your bob seger, and raise you a TED NUGENT/WHIPLASH BASH.
Midwest, Bitches!!!

David P. Brumbaugh: Kris—you forget that Ted Nugent is now a proud resident of the great and sovereign state of Texas. That and we kicked Rita’s ass. Why? Because we’ve got rockin’ energy! (Not to be confused with synergy)
YEE HAW.

Hayley: The midwest may now also boast the arrival of Hayley Gaines, the fact of which should trump all. Oh, and as we say in Lansing, "pesto? more like homo-eroticsto."

Maureen Fandale: Could it be true??? Do we get the H-Gizzle back?? YYYYYEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!

Kris: ah, david,
You forget that despite the current whereabouts of the Nuge, he is now and alway will be "The Motorcity Madman." Where is the motorcity????
MIDWEST REPRESENT MUTHAFUCKA!!!
Besides that, we have muthaphukin hayley!!!

Pete: Shit, there are 24 sauces for fries alone at Frjtz.

Maureen: Yeah, well Hayley Gaines is good with sauce, too.

Jason: Is mayo one of them? I've always heard that San Francisco is the most European city in America.
Detroit, however, is the most American city in America. Birthplace of cars? Check. One of the top 5 richest counties in the United States (Oakland) right next to the poorest inner city in America (Detroit)? Check!
Again, Midwest represent, bitches. Representin' America, that is.

Pete: Several of them are mayo-based, but that includes balsamic mayo and others, so it's really okay. Mmm...Frjtz. Some of San Francisco is European-ish. A bunch of it is really sketchy, though. Mainly, the food is just awesome and affordable. That's the main thing. And you work it off walking.

Jason: Affordable? Huh -- I thought San Fransisco was supposed to be super expensive.

Sara Gold: I'm hungry...

Pete: Well, rent is (good lord, is it expensive), but there are plenty of really great restaurants that are cheaper than, say, the Sweet Onion.

Hayley: I hear Hayley Gaines is cheaper than the Sweet Onion also.

Tim: I hear Hayley Gaines is the Sweet Onion. Or is that the Great Pumpkin?

Daniel Brooks: Gayley Haines !
Ha! Get a load of that!

Kris: do you make them though? i think not.

Josh: Two unrelated notes:

1. Did y'all see the Onion from the week before this one (Oprah,
Sheehan son, monopoly rules, etc) ? I meant to mention this before,
but I think that it is the single funniest issue that the Onion has
ever put out. Across the board, every single piece is laugh out loud
funny
2. Anyone else, especially those from single parent homes, get a
little choked up every time they hear "hey mama" from the new Kanye
album? Mothafucker's a genius!